Desperation

As human beings, we've become accustomed to the idea that being desperate is weak and pathetic. No one wants to be seen as desperate for a friend or for a partner, for a job, for money, desperate for help or validation. As Shauna Niequist says in one of her promo videos for her book Bread & Wine, "We live in a culture that prides us for not having any needs. I don't need to sleep, I don't need to eat, I'm like a robot. I'm so tough I can keep on going. It's a really soul-less, really damaging way to live."

I'm beginning to see that while yes, there are social disadvantages to being considered 'desperate'... being desperate is actually becoming the quality in which I strive to be in my relationship and walk with Christ.

Last night, I downloaded the Proverbs 31 First 5 app (very cool, by the way) and listened to Lysa Terkeurst's opening remarks at their She Speaks Conference going on this weekend. She was describing how in so many moments in our lives, we present God with a nice, tidy package of suggestions. We grasp them all tightly in our hands and offer them up to Him and we say something like, "Ok God...I was thinking about what's going on in my life and I think I've come up with a plan. So here it is - all of my suggestions, my plan for how to make this work, and I'd really, really like for you to bless this. Don't mess it up!! Just BLESS it"

I was in bed fighting off a terrible migraine after a hard bedtime with the kids, and when I heard her describe it like that, I had to laugh. Because isn't it true? Isn't it true that we still fight and battle to be the God of our own lives? And throughout it all, we present God with a package of suggestions and hope that He'll work those for our good. And when it doesn't happen that way, we feel miffed or disappointed or even downright furious.

It feels like when I fight to be the God of my own life, I often times find myself feeling fearful or discouraged. And I have to remind myself that fear is not of God.

It's in the desperate moments where I know I am far more attuned to Him than I usually am. It's desperation that breaks me open and brings me to my knees over and over and over again. It's the empty places that long to be filled up with Him that open my eyes to His plan for me and reminds me that He knows me intimately. He knows my heart, He knows my desires and He also knows where He needs me to be.

There are some changes happening in my life right now - things I'll be sharing soon enough - but I've found myself feeling almost backed into a corner. Desperate. Out of ideas, out of options, out of plans. I've been through my Plan A, my Plan B, my Plan C. And each time God has taken those plans gently out of my tight grasp and reassured me that He's working all things for my good.

And so here I stand, desperate for Him. Needy. Broken. Empty. With nothing else to offer but a whole lot of nothingness. Just myself and my faith that He is still sovereign and that He is still good.

And it feels pretty great.