Wednesday, December 2, 2015

A Day in the Life {Addiction from the other side}

One thing I want to do on my blog is to post from time to time about addiction. It was very hard for me to find personal stories about it and I hope to share some of our story as a way to help others. Anything I write about this topic is written with permission by my husband, as I am committed to speaking our truth while protecting what is his to decide if and when to share.

There's a post I've seen making the rounds on Facebook recently. You may have seen it, liked it, shared it.

It says:
     2 twin boys were raised by an alcoholic father. 1 grew up to be an alcoholic & when asked what happened he said "I watched my father"... The other grew up and never drank in his life. When he was asked what happened he said "I watched my father"... 2 boys, same dad, 2 different perspectives. Your perspective in life will determine your destination. Today's a new day. Go.

I'm going to make an assumption here but I think the original author of this post probably doesn't know a whole lot about alcoholism. While I understand the attempt here (you choose and control your destiny through your outlook on life), the use of addiction as the teaching point is unfortunate.

Over the past 5 years, I have learned a lot about addiction. I'm married to a recovering addict. It has stolen many, many things from my family and if I'm honest - I'm not actually keen on "defending" addiction. I'm still fairly angry about the place it has in my life and what it's done to my family and my marriage. The moments it has stolen from me, the celebrations it has ruined, the trust it has betrayed. And while I believe in the disease model of addiction, it still angers me. It still feels unfair and cruel and let's be honest, most addicts act unfairly and cruelly. So let me say right off the bat, I am *not* in a place to defend an addict. I've been way too hurt by one to do that at this point.


As I've learned about addiction and its patterns - this much I know. It is not as simple as choosing to be an alcoholic or choosing not to be.

I know this is hard to understand. I struggled with it for a long time. I would think - why doesn't he see? Doesn't he hear what I'm saying? Doesn't he love me/us enough to want to make things better? How can he make those choices or act in those ways and say he loves us?

I didn't have my 'aha!' moment until around March of this past year. We had been separated since January. Our marriage was in a horrible place, we were barely speaking to one another, and when we did speak it was tense and anxiety inducing for me. 

I've decided not to share the details, but I can say that it hit me over the head like a ton of bricks that NO ONE - no one - would choose this life for themselves. There is no one who would enjoy living that way. To be so dependent on the substance that is wrecking their life - it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. 

Things did not miraculously get better after that point. I am not yet in a place of peace about what's happened. I am working hard every day to forgive the things that have taken place in my marriage and to gain some understanding about how alcoholism and addiction affects my husband. I still am fearful of relapse. I am fearful of being hurt and betrayed again. I am fearful of the effects on my children. I am sad that I will have to talk to my children about this disease and the power it may have on their own lives as they grow older, I am sad that I will have to watch them closely for the signs of addiction in themselves. 

Addiction sucks. It sucks for the addict and it sucks for anyone in his or her path. If there's one thing I've learned over the last 5 years, and the last year in particular, it's the exact opposite of what the above post proclaims. Most addicts cannot simply wake up one day and choose another path.  In fact, that kind of assumption contributes to the shame and guilt addicts feel about not being able to just 'stop'.

If you've been hurt by an addict in your life - this is a critical point of knowledge for you. It doesn't take away the pain, it doesn't invalidate your anger and feelings, it doesn't make you wrong for feeling how you feel. But it was, in many ways, like a weight off my shoulders when I realized what a hold this disease or illness had on my husband. It finally allowed me to see a glimpse of him for who he is - a child of God who is broken and sinful like each and every one of us. A man who I vowed to love in sickness and in health.

Many days that knowledge and realization seems grossly unfair if I'm honest. I struggle with feeling angry that this is the path I unknowingly walked down. And it doesn't - not for one second - excuse past behavior. But it does offer an explanation, even one that is hard to swallow.

I don't know why I am here, in the middle of this. Substance abuse is a subject I knew absolutely nothing about 5 years ago. And I am still learning - still struggling to understand something that makes zero sense. And my heart hurts for those of you who are on the other side of addiction like I am. For those of you who are confused and alone and trying to make sense of the insanity. I wouldn't wish this path on anyone. But as I learn and grow in this, I hope to share what I'm learning with you.
I realize that sharing my story so openly like this opens me up to a lot of judgment, criticism and opinions about how I live my life. I have heard some pretty hard things over the past stretch and am learning to toughen up a little bit. My journey is not the journey everyone will or should take. 

I am not saying that everyone should forgive willy nilly and could never advocate that every person continue doing life with someone in active addiction. If you are currently in a relationship that makes you feel unsafe emotionally, mentally or physically - get out. Get space. Protect yourself.

But in my life, his journey of sobriety and the choices he has made along with being very prayerful about going forward, have led me to this place. 

It's my hope and prayer that from our trauma and pain, we can bring a message of hope and understanding to other people about this topic. Today, he is 228 days sober and he moved back home 2 weeks ago. It is an interesting place I am in, having to be so vulnerable and out of control in so many areas of my life and simply choosing to throw my open hands up into the air and trust that God is in control. 

Because if I am being honest, I hate it. I hate feeling afraid of the unknown and of being hurt again. Grace is given to me daily by my Savior and it is grace that I will keep trying to extend to others. I fail at that a lot, but I keep going every day, because I believe that God IS bigger than my circumstances and that no matter what happens in the future, His ways are better than mine. 


  1. Miranda I grew up in a home dominated by addiction, my heart is with you. My Daddy struggled with alcohol from early thirties (probably younger but it was still something he could "hide" ) I know the pain, the embarrassment, the feeling of guilt..."maybe if I was a better daughter, maybe if I hugged him more. There was 5 years of sobriety with AA from my 18th year to my 23rd when I was expecting my second child. Stress of growing his business, trips away from home, not sure what triggered the relapse. At 47 he never again gave up alcohol , other than a week or 2 at a time, until age 60. He died at 76 sober almost 17 years . So proud ! He told me once that he tried to stop for my Mom, for us, for his business etc but when he went into rehab at age 60 he realized it had to be for him. I felt so blessed to have those years to know my Daddy free of alcohol. You are so right about no one choosing addiction. My Daddy was hard working and even with a childhood of poverty due to losing his Dad at 10 months in the 1918 flu epidemic ,the big Depression, leaving school at 12 , he built a business of 7 Peanut/Candy Shops and a Restaurant in Va. & N.C. He was strong in every area of his life except his addiction. We were a "yours, mine, and ours " family. :-) the 4 of us sharing Daddy's DNA have had various issues to deal with due to our childhood. My oldest brother , like my Daddy, struggled with alcohol most of his adult life. And, like my Dad he was bright, handsome and fearless enough to jump out of airplanes as an Army paratrooper. He was an engineer with TVA till he retired. He died at 67. Of his 5 sons , 2 struggle. It is a disease , though many say it's not. That, it is a matter of self control. Even those of us who are living (or lived ) through it get so tired and angry we believe it IS their choice! "If you loved me/us, you wouldn't do this. You would stop ". I am sorry for sharing so much but it is such a blessing to know this is a subject that can be discussed today. And that people are understanding more about addiction, especially the legal drug alcohol. I got through it by keeping secrets. When my life became extremely difficult due to divorce, later a job change, broken relationship, I went for counseling and entered a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics....ACA. If there are groups still functioning I recommend it . Bless you Miranda for opening a door kept closed for too long. Love you

    1. Love you Connie! Always enjoy hearing from you.

  2. Mark is one month and one day sober. Thank you for your beautiful, eloquent, and wise words. Sending love. ~Jess M.

  3. A friend of mine shared your link. You've beautifully, beautifully expressed what I know is so hard to communicate. I'm thankful how God uses our stories for His glory. Thank you so much for sharing!

    1. Thank you for your kind words, and for reading :)

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