Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Grief + Acceptance

Yesterday would have marked the start of my 39th week of pregnancy.

Grief is a greedy emotion.

It's like being in a relationship with a partner who takes and takes and takes.  It's unrelenting in its persistence.  It's hard to move forward - and just when you think you have - it pops out from around a corner at you and gets all up in your business.  All you want to do is just. move. on.

A little innocence dies in you when you lose a pregnancy.  The innocent, naive joy that comes with pregnancy - it goes away.  There's a dark and twisty side that rears its ugly head.  It's the piece that feels cynical about other people's pregnancies.  A whisper that reminds you a positive pregnancy test and a due date doesn't mean you'll actually bring a baby home.

In the days that followed our loss, I found myself tempted to blurt out the news at the most inappropriate times to people I didn't even know.  "I know I look normal, but would you believe I just found out the baby I was carrying died and I had no idea until a doctor told me so"

Grief makes you question your own sanity.

And it's exhausting.

And every night, as darkness falls and the questions begin to swirl around in your head AGAIN, you're reminded just how exhausting it is to wonder, to ask why, to wish for things that aren't.

You're so very ready to just move on.  To not feel sad.  To not grieve.  To not cry anymore.  When the tears come,  you stop and scold yourself.  At times, you want to take yourself by the shoulders and yell "JUST STOP."  You give yourself pep talks.  After all, people have it worse.  People go through worse.  People have been through it more times than you have.

Buck up, buttercup.

Grief will make you angry.  It can isolate you.  It can squash you and make you feel like you can't breathe.

So - there has to be acceptance.   Acceptance that things just aren't.  Acceptance that life is unfair, that people hurt, and things don't go according to our plan.  Acceptance that pregnancy still IS life affirming, and beautiful and joyous.  Acceptance that other people will have healthy pregnancies and deliver precious babies.  And these moments are beautiful, even if they are painful.

And acceptance brings peace.  Peace that will come more and more often and push out the grief.  Sure, the grief will always be there - always - but peace will settle in.  You'll find yourself smiling with pregnant friends, praying for their healthy pregnancies and babies, feeling joy over their squishy little bundles.  Even in the pain and the sadness, there will be joy and peace.

The next time grief shows up, you can welcome it with open arms.  Let it stay awhile and cozy up on the couch with you, next to a fireplace.  Sit still and feel it.  And then, ever so kindly, send it on its way - knowing that you will meet again some day.

And take comfort in this.

Lamentations 3:31-33

For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men.


  1. beautiful miranda...i know these feelings all to well. thank you for sharing and being honest and open. i love that verse...never heard it before...but many great verses that i love have come out of lamentations....i need to dig deep into that book of the bible. praying for you in the week and the weeks ahead.

  2. ps. "He makes all things beautiful in it's time" - Ecc. 3:11

  3. Dear Miranda, know that God will always help you accept your grief. I had 2 miscarriages over 30 years ago. I still grieve on the days they were born, yes I say born because that was the day they went into Christs arms. I allow myself about an hour of grief and then I celebrate their day. God will always take care of your little girl and will support you when you grieve. I will be praying for you and Todd because I know how hard the time around when she should have been born will bring the grief to the front of your mind again. Don't know if I'm making sense but hope this helps you. Love to you both.

    1. Thanks Mary - you are very right, God will help me get through it. xoxo

  4. I found your blog through Casey's linkup. I've stopped counting the weeks although my due date isn't until May. It hurts, and it hards. I pray that God will comfort you in your time of need.

    1. Catherine, I will be praying for you as you approach your due date. It's an awful experience and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.

  5. Hi Miranda, thanks for sharing your story. I went through a similar miscarriage over the summer so I know a little bit about the terrible sadness of losing a baby like this... But thanks for your encouraging words and for sharing your comfort in Christ. Our little one's story is here: http://sarahmkeller.blogspot.com/2013/01/edens-story.html

    Praying for your peace!

    1. Your blog post was beautiful - I absolutely loved how you really tried to find delight in the situation. What a lovely way to refocus a tragic experience. Thank you for sharing, and for stopping by.