Wednesday, October 10, 2012

We got the call

Today we got the call we've both been waiting for and dreading.

A nurse from my OB's office called to let us know that the chromosomal testing we requested came back normal - no known reason as to why our baby's heart stopped beating.  She also let us know that we had a daughter.  Not much can prepare you for what it feels like to hear someone say, "She was a girl"  when it should have been "It's a girl!" or "She's a girl!"

"She was a girl" is a painful sentence to hear.

For the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy, I was absolutely certain I was having another boy.  I joked about it, laughed about it, and generally felt at ease with the idea of adding another boy to our family.  But when I laid on the table that day in September, hoping and praying to hear a heartbeat - I knew as soon as the image came up on the screen that we lost our daughter.

I don't know how I knew this - the ultrasound tech assured me several times that she couldn't see the gender.  I even called back a few days later to double check because I had been SO sure that it was a girl - I thought surely the tech must have seen it.  But they assured me that no, the gender was not able to be determined.

But over the last four weeks, as we've waited for these results - in my mind, I've thought "she", "her", and "daughter".  I knew in my heart that we were waiting to find out about the daughter I won't meet in this lifetime.  

Before we had the information from our doctors though, we talked about names.  I couldn't bear to use any of the names we had been tossing around already.  For some reason, naming this baby seemed a hundred times more important.  I threw out the non traditional, the trendy and the names without meaning.  I needed this baby to have an incredibly meaningful name.

It is, after all, the only thing we will know about her.  Her short little life will be summarized by the only thing we can give her.

We talked about a few ideas, but one night I was laying in bed unable to sleep when I was consumed with the desire to look up names meaning "beautiful".  Through a few different websites, I came across a name that I knew would be absolutely perfect and the next day shared with Todd, who quickly agreed.

We have chosen the name Lilia Faith for our daughter.  Lilia, comes from the flower Lily, which represents innocence, purity and beauty.  And the Hebrew meaning of the name Lilia means, "What belongs to me, belongs to God"

There are a lot of things in my life I could turn over to God with ease.  Children are hard to let go of though - and I say this knowing that there are those who have experienced losses much worse than ours.  Children who were stillborn, children who have fought difficult illnesses - these are all tragic endings to lives that are far too short.

Lilia's name will remind me that as sad as this experience is, my sweet daughter belongs not just to me, but to Him.  And she is with Him now, beautiful and perfect. And there is nothing to fear, because as my husband reminded us all in a recent blog, we are called to be fearless and death will not get the final word.

While I never got to hold her, I will think of her often and be grateful for the daughter who will continue to teach me about life, about God and about myself.



  1. Such a beautiful name for your beautiful daughter! Continuing to keep your family in my prayers.

  2. What a beautiful name for a beautiful baby girl. I'm sending my love to you and Todd.

  3. So sad I never got to love Lilia Faith in this life. So happy I get to know her in heaven. Love you friend

  4. Oh Lilia Faith! What a BEAUTIFUL name! I think Kay said it best of all, I am SO happy I will get to meet and know your beautiful baby girl one day Miranda! I can only imagine it's hard not having an answer as to WHY you will never get to meet her in this life, but I can't stop thinking of all of the lives she has touched only because you've been brave enough to share your story openly and honestly. You've helped to mend hearts that are hurting, through your own raw pain. I pray for you SO MUCH! ♥

  5. I am sitting here at work, bawling. Your faith is so inspiring, Miranda. I know you are hurting. But you have demonstrated such beauty, strength, and grace throughout. And I am so sorry that we won't get to meet and love on Lilia Faith during this lifetime. But I imagine our children as playful and joyous cousins, sitting close to our Savior and peacefully waiting for us to join them. I love you so much!

  6. Mir, you have an amazing way with words. I find myself incredibly moved every time I swing by your corner of the internet to check up on you. And this post? Wow. You are an amazing person (and an amazing momma!). I can't pretend to even begin to fathom what you're going through but I hope you can take comfort in knowing you've been on so many peoples' minds and in so many prayers. Lilia is a gorgeous name and I am so so sorry for your loss. All I can suggest is to keep your head up, your family close and your faith strong. I love you and miss you (and please kiss Bean & Beckett for me?) <3

  7. How sad and how wonderful that you will not have the chance to know Lilia Faith on Earth but when this short time we call life is over you will have all eternity to know her. Thank you again for sharing of yourself. Prayers continuing your way through all of this. Thank you for being an inspiration.

  8. Beautiful name. Big ((hugs)) to you. I named my twins Gioia and Speranza (Joy and Hope) for the joy my brief pregnancy brought and the hope it brought me (I thought I'd never be pg again). A fweek later I was in a gift shop and saw two angels next to each other on a shelf. They were labeled Joy and Hope. I burst into tears in the store and bought them, and they are still in my living room as a reminder. May her memory bring you joy as you remember your pregnancy, and hope that you will be reunited in Heaven someday. ((hugs))