If you want community, you have to show up

At the beginning of this year, my friend Shaunna and I launched a new community of women called Nourish. The idea behind this community is for women of ALL backgrounds to meet monthly around dinner tables all over the city of Charlotte, in various homes. We envisioned a community of women who, without the stress of weekly gatherings, studies or books, would eventually build real relationships with each other. We envisioned laughter around a table of food, drinks and delicious desserts. We saw women opening up about who they were, who they wanted to be, what their dreams and hopes were and what their struggles and secrets were.

May marks our 4th month, and I am so excited with the growth we've experienced. We have more than quadrupled in size since we launched in February and the stories we are hearing make me grin like a fool from ear to ear.

So as we move into the rest of the year, here is what we want you to know.

If you want community, you have to show up. And show up, and show up.

What do we mean by that?

Life is crazy busy isn't it? I don't know about you but most days I feel like I'm drowning under the weight of all my responsibilities. Most of you know that I'm going through some really hard personal stuff. My husband and I separated at the end of last year, and have been struggling through some really crappy junk. I've got 3 boys at home and am pregnant with a little girl. I work part time doing some admin work and some social media work for a non profit organization. I'm in the process of obtaining the last of 3 certifications in health coaching and I'm the co-founder of this Nourish community. It requires monthly planning and we are looking forward to next year when we hope to launch a really BIG community wide event.

I'm so busy y'all. There probably isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel on the verge of tears from sheer exhaustion and being absolutely overwhelmed by life.

But what I know, and what I've learned - is that I NEED other people. I need support. I need laughter, and

friendship and I need to know that I have a few people I can talk to when crap falls apart. I need a break from my kids, and I need to give myself permission to just have fun once in awhile.

My personal struggle and temptation is to shut everyone out. I'm naturally pretty extroverted, but the more difficult my life feels and the more balls I'm juggling, the more I tend to withdraw and isolate. And in turn, that makes me feel painfully lonely, sad, and resentful of how easy other people's lives appear to be. It's a slippery slope friends, and it's a really difficult thing to balance.

Can I tell y'all a secret? I LOVE my Nourish girls. Like, hardcore love and respect and admire each one of them. Our dinners are full of laughter and funny stories and also painful moments and even tears sometimes. But I come away from each one on cloud freaking 9 and looking forward to the next month.

BUT...but...but...when the next month rolls around, and the Nourish dinner weekend approaches I feel that same tired feeling...that feeling that tells me hey, stay home this time. Phone it in, say you're too tired, no one will be upset. You can stay home, sit this one out, take a break.

This is a big confession since you know, I co-founded this community.

And truthfully no one would care if I took a month off. If I stayed home and binge watched Netflix or ate ice cream or slept. And I reserve the right to do that at some point as my pregnancy progresses because hey, we all need to take a weekend off from time to time.

But every month I have rallied and put on something other than pj pants. I've done my hair, put on some make up and hired a sitter. I take that mommy guilt and I shove it aside and I push down my exhaustion and I go to dinner with some of the most beautiful freaking women I've ever seen (side note: ladies please. can you show up looking frazzled just once? just for me??!! Haha)

And I am so encouraged every single month by these women. All of them bring such beauty and light to my life and all of them teach me a little something. And each time we meet as a group, we strengthen relationships and we trust each other a little more. Each time a woman shows up, opens up and says something she is scared to say and is met with love, kindness and support we are shoving aside darkness. We are saying to each other "You matter enough for me to show up tonight after my crazy week. You matter enough for me to kiss my kids goodnight and leave them behind. You matter enough for me to spend time making a side dish or running to the store for dessert. You matter enough for me to get out of my yoga pants and turn off the Netflix and get in my car to drive here. You matter"

Now, this does not mean that there won't be months you can't come. We know you have lives and commitments and sometimes there just isn't a way for you to be there. And we understand that. It's ok.

I want to say that again because this isn't meant to be a guilt trip or make you feel like this is 'just one more commitment' to deal with. If this makes you feel burdened and resentful, this isn't for you and it's ok! But if you are someone really struggling to find community with other women we hope this IS for you.

And the bottom line is that if you want community, you have to show up. As often as you can. There will be months you can't come - we DO understand. But if you can be there...Be. There.

Shaunna and I cannot tell you how passionate we are about what we are doing. How thankful we are for the women who open their homes monthly to welcome guests. How thankful we are for all of the women who are committed to coming out and being a part of this growing community. It's AWESOME.

And we believe wholeheartedly that community is vital to our being. We are created for relationships with one another. In this age of social media, it has become far too easy to sit behind a screen and feel as though we have friends. But we are pushing each of you to close that computer and get into your car and show up for a dinner where you get to sit across the table from other women and learn from them. It is truly a beautiful thing, and something that cannot be replicated through a computer screen.

We have big dreams for this community and a deep desire to see women grow in relationship with one another. I believe that one of the greatest ways Satan destroys women is by making us feel as though we are not as good as other women. I believe women who are united are a force to be reckoned with and will do great things for the Kingdom of God. It is my desire that we stop seeing each other as the enemy and start seeing each other as sisters and friends and valuable gifts.

We hope you'll join us. If you're interested in being a part of Nourish, please email us at NourishCLT@gmail.com.

What I Eat in a Day (at least a good day...)

I follow a few health and beauty vloggers on YouTube, and one of the videos I love the most are the "What I Eat in a Day" videos. They are my FAVORITE to watch because I am a nerd with no life.

It is fun for me to see what other people eat, get new recipe ideas, and get the skinny on new products! So I thought I'd try to share my own version here on my blog. I'm not ready for YouTube just yet...

Disclaimer: Not all of my days are this good, or this healthy. We have our occasional trips to Chick Fil A and I am a regular at Starbucks but hopefully this will give you some good ideas for when you're feeling like you're in a rut! Let's get started...

For breakfast I am getting back into my smoothie groove. The Glowing Green smoothie is my all time favorite and I've posted about it before but here's the recipe again:

1 c. spinach/kale
2 c. chopped romaine
1 c. filtered water
BLEND WELL
1 small apple, chopped and cored
1/2 banana
1/2 cucumber
BLEND WELL
A handful of frozen mango
juice from 1/2 lemon
BLEND BLEND BLEND! (And yes a Vitamix, BlendTec or probably a NutriBullet is best)

Pour and enjoy!  This morning I added a slice of sprouted grain toast with smashed avocado, lime juice and salt (not to the smoothie. On the side...hehe) but I didn't snap a pic.

Today was grocery day and we hit up EarthFare and Trader Joe's so I was almost overwhelmed with choices for lunch.

Greek(ish) Wrap

1 spinach wrap

spoonful of black bean hummus

romaine lettuce

chicken breast

cherry tomatoes

cucumbers

kalamata olives

feta cheese

Roll and enjoy!

Dinner was this bean salad/rice bowl

1/2 c. brown rice

1/2 c. black beans (warmed)

1/2 c. garbanzo beans (warmed)

chopped red onion

cherry tomatoes

fresh cilantro

spoonful of guacamole

juice of 1/2 lime

drizzle of balsamic vinegar

The kids and I were craving something a little sweet after dinner so we had graham crackers with maple almond butter and chocolate chips! (I love these chocolate chips by the way - they are expensive, so they are probably not ones I would throw in a batch of cookies...they are saved for special treats. But they are fair trade certified, all natural and non GMO) And if you've wanted to order from Vitacost but haven't...here's a $10 off coupon: http://goo.gl/01RwrF

And that's it! We were so busy today there wasn't much time for snacking while running around town!

Life is a Dance

It's been a long time since I've felt up to blogging.

One thing I have learned about life over the past several years is that it is a clumsy, complicated and ungraceful dance. A constant struggle between good and bad both fighting to take the lead. Sometimes the good is able to lead and other times it's the bad that gains control. 

At times the dance with life just clicks and glides along smoothly and you both move in sync with the music. Other times you're tripping on your feet and being dragged along, doing your absolute best to keep up and not fall. And let's be honest, lots of times you do fall. Hard.

I don't know much about God, but I do know that the more I try to put Him in a box, the less He fits there and the more confused I get. I know He is good. I know He is sovereign. I know He is intimately aware of my heart and loves me with a love I will never be able to comprehend. And there are things that happen that I just don't understand. At this point in my life, I'm able to say with confidence that I'm ok not understanding.

Throughout the last couple of months as I've prayed for God's guidance, I can only say that He's given me simply my immediate next step. There is no closure at this point, there is no ending, there is no explanation that will heal my heart. But I am so grateful for His gentle whispers and reassurances that the immediate next step is in His sovereign control. And as hard as it is not to have a long term plan in front of me, I am reassured in knowing that He cares enough about me and my life to be there in every small and sometimes insignificant ways and decisions.

There are big changes in our household. Hard ones. Sad ones. Difficult ones. 

And in the midst of all of that, there is one little ray of sunshine that cuts through the clouds.

This is a hard announcement for me to make, as it's one I've hoped to make my whole life. I certainly never imagined making it at a time like this. But nonetheless it is a beautiful little ray of sunshine that is shining brightly and offers warmth and hope.

In September of 2015, our family will welcome another sweet little one to our brood. And they tell me it's a precious, healthy baby girl.

Of course I'm not sure I will believe she's a she until I hold her in my arms! I had some intensive chromosomal testing done via blood work that ensures a 99+% accuracy rate and it does indeed appear that she is healthy and female. 

But with Lilia's loss weighing on my heart, I am struggling to put fear behind me and embrace the joy and knowledge of what it feels like to carry a daughter. I am focusing hard on enjoying her for whatever length of time I get to have her. I hope and pray she does join my crazy boys in September. 

For now, your prayers are coveted and so appreciated. For peace in my heart and...for superhuman strength! And of course, that Declan would sleep. And sleep. And sleep!

It's Ok Not To Be Sure

After we lost Lilia, I clung to this verse like no other. I'm going to admit something here that I don't talk about very often - but when I got pregnant with Declan I prayed my FACE off for a daughter. I just knew that God would grant me that desire. After all, it was a good desire - I had lost a precious baby girl, I wanted to experience the joy of having a daughter of my own. I watched friends have their little girls, and I knew that God would reward me for my faithfulness after such a tragic time.

I'm a little ashamed to admit this now, because I've learned a lot since then - but that's honestly where my brain was during that time. I had dreams about having baby girls, I doodled baby girl names - I was sad for our loss, but I knew that God would redeem my situation. I mean, just read the verse! 

Well, as the story goes - little Declan was not a girl. Truthfully at first, I was pretty shocked. I mean what? I prayed. A lot. I told God the desires of my heart! I even gave Him a list when I prayed as to why I felt like I needed a daughter. (I am hanging my head in shame after that last statement)

But here is the thing I'm beginning to realize after a lot of heartache and disappointment in various areas of my life. Sometimes, God's redemption doesn't look like what we think it should. And God granting us the desires of our heart doesn't look like what we think it should either. He's not a genie. 

And I don't know all the answers - I still don't fully understand this verse, although I have studied it a LOT. My heart has truly yearned for some precious and legitimate things and I have seen God grant some of those, and I have seen others seemingly fall by the wayside. Things that are broken and seem beyond repair - things that may just actually be beyond repair. 

This week I've been telling myself that God CAN redeem any and all situations. He can. I know this. But I also think that God's redemption may not look at all like what we hope it will. 

Maybe He will put broken pieces back together. But maybe he'll take those broken pieces and make something new from them. Maybe He'll scatter them like the wind and just when you feel like you can't take another breath because the pain of brokenness is too much to bear, He'll show you how He makes beauty from ashes. 

I wish I understood God. I wish I understood every verse in the Bible. I don't pretend to be a spiritual scholar or theologian. I'm learning more every day, and I'm trying to trust a God that quite honestly, makes very little temporal sense. 

I suppose there are a lot of cliche and trite Christian statements I could make here to wrap this up but I want you to know that sometimes it's ok to live in the grey area of not understanding. It's ok to be upset and angry and confused and sometimes it's ok to not be ok. I had a friend ask me recently how I was doing and I said you know, I'm not really sure.

And she said, "It's ok not to be sure."

Yes, friends. It's ok not to be sure. It's ok not to be sure how or why or what. Just don't stop talking to God. Because for me, that's when my relationship with God deepens and grows and becomes even more beautiful. That's usually the time where I find myself in that really sweet spot - even if just for a little while, until life gets in the way again. That sweet spot of communion with Him. It's a constant tug of war - finding myself in that space, then finding myself farther away than I meant to be. 

Life is painful and it's messy and sometimes I can't wrap my mind around how stuff continually keeps breaking. Sometimes I cry out to Him in despair, sometimes in anger, and probably not nearly as often as I should - in thanksgiving. It is so hard to be thankful for the brokenness. It is so hard to be thankful for the fire that refines us. But my eyes are on eternity. My eyes are on that prize. 

My God Is...

If we are Facebook friends, you might have seen this post awhile back on my page:

I have been thinking a lot about this, about the responses and comments this post got and I wanted to clarify a few things.

I love church.

I seriously do. I am one of those extroverted, church lovin, worship singing, cafe visiting 'basic white Christian' girls. Ok? I admit it. I'm not ashamed. I love a great service, music that gets me inspired and a message that gets me motivated. I am NOT anti-church. Not at all.

This Girl Is Me And I Am Not Ashamed. Ok?

But after being involved in the professional side of ministry for 5 years, here is what I know.

My God is bigger than a church building.

My God is bigger than a worship service.

My God is bigger than the best sermon ever preached.

My God is bigger than the worst sermon ever preached.

My God is bigger than the biggest celebration you could ever imagine.

My God is bigger than the most horrific tragedy you will ever encounter.

My God is bigger than the pastor who struggles.

My God is bigger than the pastor who succeeds.

My God is bigger than a perfect guitar solo during worship.

My God is bigger than a wrong note.

My God is bigger than a broken marriage.

My God is bigger than betrayal.

My God is bigger than my insecurities, my fears, and my disappointments.

My God is bigger than my best day.

My God is bigger than my worst day.

My God is a righteous judge.

My God is a loving father.

My faith is defined by the knowledge of all those things, and so much more. My faith is defined by my intimate, personal relationship with the God of the Universe. I will be let down, disappointed, abandoned and deceived by the human beings who work tirelessly to carry out His mission. BUT - and hear me when I say BUT - I will also be enlightened, uplifted, carried, loved and encouraged by those same human beings. 

The church is imperfect. God is perfect. 

My faith is not defined by my relationship with anyone but Him.

xoxo

Thank YOU

You know, women have a bad rap for being petty, gossipy, immature and back-stabby.

In truth, I had very few female friends in my life until about 6 years ago when I knew I needed to refocus and re-center my life. But I wasn't sure how - it seemed to me most of the women I knew were awful.

In 2010, God began to reveal a funny little passion I never knew I had. It was a passion for seeing a community of women grow and flourish in each other and in Christ. I guess some might even call it women's ministry. I pushed back for a long time because I held on to a lot of past issues with 'friends' and kept telling myself that no, no - women's groups and women's issues were NOT my thing.

I've had some hits and misses when it comes to finding and keeping female friends. We just don't click with everyone and women are emotional beings who get their feelings hurt easily. Some days I feel like I'm back in high school and I want to throw my hands up and say FORGET IT. Who has time for it? I need people in my life who understand where I'm at and can respect what I'm able to give. That hasn't been easy to find, but I'm fortunate to have a few friends who just get it.

And over the past 4+ years I've dipped my toe in the pool a few times, and jumped back out but year after year, God reignites this passion of mine in different degrees and a variety of ways. I'm still very much figuring out what this looks like and how to take it on. I'm a mama who works part time for a non profit organization, homeschools a teenager, takes care of one highly spirited threenager and a 14 month old stage 5 clinger.

The great thing about knowing that this is part of what God is calling me to do is knowing that if I pursue him in the process, the pieces will come together. I don't have to sweat about it, stress about it, freak out about it. I feel excited but I also feel calm.

But until I have the pieces in place, I want to say this to you, my sweet friends.

You are so, so loved.

I wish there was a better way to convey that or fancier words to use. But that's the truth. My heart is so encouraged by how many of you reached out to me after my last blog post. I was terrified to post, worried that I'd hear nothing but crickets chirping. In fact, the opposite happened. So many of you answered and shared your hearts with me. You told me of past pain and current hang ups. You told me your heart craves the same thing. You told me you were all in, and you wanted to help in any way you could. You told me you desired a space where you could be free of the pressures of books and studies and weekly commitments. You told me you saw a space like I saw. Women gathered in homes, around tables, playing Cootie (you had to be there...) sharing conversation and eventually sharing your lives.

And there were many of you who reached out to me privately to share pain and heartache and things you felt were too personal to share on Facebook. I want each of you to know that I felt your hearts aching as you shared your stories with me. And I want you to know that I won't forget about you and I will be praying very specific prayers for each of you.

I know that God wants what we all so desperately crave - for the walls of condemnation, of judgment, of insecurity and fear to come crashing down. For us to sit with each other as sisters and friends and learn to love with grace and acceptance.

I am truly excited. And I am extremely thankful that so many of you were willing to share your heart with me. I believe that we each have a beautiful gift to share, beautiful and broken stories that will heal the pain of others who will realize they aren't alone. This process is already unfolding in front of me. It started with a Facebook conversation and I can't wait to see what comes out of that. Thank you for taking a risk and being willing to be part of what's coming!

Take heart, dear friend. The creator of the universe knows you intimately and He weeps when you weep, He rejoices when you rejoice.

xoxo

Dreaming Big for 2015

Are you ever in a place in your life where you feel like you're the person who needs the constant help, encouragement, support, words of wisdom?

Can I confess something to you guys? Sometimes I feel like a vacuum. You know, like WHEN THE FLIP DID I GET SO NEEDY? Why am I sucking so much out of other people?

Seriously. When? And why?

Every year I pick a word at the beginning of the year that I hope to embody that year. This year I'm picking authenticity.

Some of you may have seen that I ordered Lara Casey's Powersheet goal setting system for 2015. One of my biggest goals this year is to stop focusing on what's all out of whack and chaotic about my own life, and reach out to encourage other women who are experiencing the chaos of their own lives. It's so easy to shut down when your own life is all topsy turvy but here is what I know about life and about God. Shutting down, turning inward and closing people off isn't the answer. It doesn't help, it doesn't make anything better and it's in opposition to what God wants for us.

I desire and crave so much an authentic community of women - one where there is honesty and love and support and it's messy and gritty and real. A number of years ago I led a Life Group with a friend of mine called Confessions of a Good Christian Girl, based on a book of the same name. It was my intention then to get a small group of women to experience the freedom of unleashing their burdens, their fears, their guilt and secrets - it was my intention for women to find that they were STILL loved and needed and valuable to others even if their deepest, darkest secrets were out in the light.

It didn't turn out quite the way I hoped, but I think it was a decent starting point. And still, deep down inside of me I feel a stirring for more of this type of community. I am dreaming big this year, dreaming with a couple other like minded women about what this could look like.

What if we as women sat across from each other in coffee shops and living rooms and drank coffee and stopped talking about new hair color and what our kids were up to. What if instead we spilled our fears, our desires, our hopes and dreams and talked about what holds us back? What if we stopped viewing each other as the competition and started viewing each other as sisters and friends in Christ? What if we stopped trying to BE the competition, stopped taking things that don't belong to us and stopped trying to outdo one another?

I am beyond fortunate to have a few close girlfriends who know everything - seriously, everything - about me. Every mistake I've made, every shameful secret I want hidden from the world, every struggle I have, every ounce of turmoil I've experienced. And that's amazing, it is. But I want and crave more. Not just for myself, but for all the women I know and will come to know. It is so freeing to have a friend in Christ who is there for you no matter what.

So if you're female, and you're reading this - will you leave a comment here or on my Facebook page telling me what this would look like for you? Do you crave a community like this? What would it look like, feel like, be like? Will you pray for me and for those that are dreaming big with me? What holds you back from being authentic and open with other women? What are the hurts you've experienced and what are the gifts you've received when you've been in a solid community of female friendship?

I would love to know what a beautiful community of authentic women could accomplish, in the name of Christ. I imagine big, amazing and glorious things and I think we can make it happen.