lifeline

This morning, I pulled into our church parking lot about 1 minute before the service was to start. Couldn't find a place to park, Declan was screaming his head off, and I was flustered. All I could think about was getting my kids dropped off in the nursery before my favorite part of church (music, duh) started.  I was scattered and it was windy and COLD and as we made our way into the building, I realized I couldn't find my phone.

I half paid attention as we got the kids signed in and dropped off in their respective classes. I was mentally retracing my steps to figure out where I might have left the phone. I knew I'd had it minutes before pulling into the parking lot because I'd texted my husband (at a stoplight!) that I was almost there.

We made it into the service about 2 minutes late, couldn't find anywhere to sit, still mentally retracing all of my steps as the ushers got out extra chairs for us.

During worship, I sent my 13 year old back out to the parking lot to look for the phone. I figured it must have fallen out of the car when I was in such a rush and was sure to be lying, smashed in a million pieces, on the pavement. He came back a little bit later with no phone.

The phone wasn't in my purse, and it wasn't in the diaper bag. It wasn't in any of my pockets. It wasn't lying smashed in a million pieces on the parking lot. It wasn't in the car, under a seat, behind a toy or in a cupholder.  The phone had somehow managed to disappear in the 5 minute timespan from texting my husband to getting out of my car.

Todd is out of town from Monday to Friday this week and I was - truly - panicked at the idea of having no phone while he was traveling and away. But, after thoroughly searching everywhere it could be after church let out, I resigned myself to no phone. Almost in tears at what I'd lost from a financial standpoint - and let's face it, I feel like my whole life is on my phone these days - I pulled out of the church parking lot.

A few miles down the road I heard an odd little thump coming from what sounded like the roof of my car. Logan and I looked at each other and as I was saying aloud, "what in the world was that?" I suddenly had a flashback of jumping out of my car and setting my travel mug and phone on the roof of the car while I pulled Declan screaming from his carseat.

Realizing that the thumping sound was very likely the sound of my precious and expensive phone careening off the roof of my car and shattering onto the road behind me, I turned around as quickly as possible and retraced our steps (er, drive). I even turned on my hazards and got out of the car to search the road and the grass for the phone.

As I was about to give up and get back in the car, I glanced at the roof in a last ditch attempt to see if perhaps the phone hadn't actually fallen off and was still somehow on top of the car.

And do you know what?

It was. That stupid iPhone was {somewhat} safely nestled between two of the racks on top of my car. Relief flooded over me as I saw the phone was no worse for the wear. My lifeline was back!

Warning - cheesy analogy ahead.

I wish I could say that whenever I realize I've set God aside in the chaos of life that I was that frantic to find Him again. I wish I could tell you that I spend that much energy and emotion tracking Him down when I remember it's been awhile since I've last touched base.

This isn't a 'your iPhone is of the devil' kind of blog post. Really, I do love my phone.

But it is a simple reminder not to trade God's miracle for the world's magical. (Thank you, Pastor Rusty!)
  A reminder that when you wonder where He's gone since you last touched base, He's not that far at all.

I am, perhaps, slightly embarrassed at how distraught I got over a missing iPhone, especially when I discovered it on the roof of my car. But today it reminded me that God is not far from me, ever, and for that I am grateful.

Ten

Here are ten things I'm loving lately...

From left to right:

1. Organic Fiji Virgin Coconut Oil with Pineapple lotion This stuff smells like tropical paradise. Because it's a coconut oil, you'll probably need to run the bottle under hot water for a few minutes to get it to liquify but it's worth every precious second.

2. Glass Cafe Mug - It's just pretty.

3. Stainless Steel Straws - These are my new favorite smoothie straws. They come with a cleaning brush (totally necessary for smoothie drinking) AND they won't warp or melt in the dishwasher. Winning!

4. Boots No 7 Vanilla Body Scrub - I grabbed this because Target had them on clearance for $3. Smells so good!

5. Frozen  - I mean, it's Disney. Enough said.

6. Noonday Collection Very Versatile Bracelet - honestly, I have loved all my Noonday stuff, but this is hands down my favorite piece. It's kind of on the pricey side, but I got a great discount for hosting a party. If you want to host a party, let me know and I will hook you up with Amanda!

7. Swanson's Pea Protein Powder - my doctor has me adding protein powder to my morning smoothies and this is my favorite. It has a lot of protein and doesn't taste chalky or weird. It's also PURE pea protein - no added ingredients or things you can't pronounce and it's non GMO. Also winning.

8. J.R. Watkins Lemon hand cream - This smells like a lemon cupcake. It's a delicious scent.

9. Dang Toasted Coconut Chips - Eat some of these and you will definitely say, "Dang! These are good!"

10. Hunter Rain Boots - I have been eyeing Hunter rain boots since I was a fetus. Ok, not really. But for years. I am CHEAP when it comes to shoes (Target anyone?) but I finally splurged on these (AFTER selling something!) - and I've worn them half a dozen times already. Thanks for the rain, Charlotte!

What have you been loving lately?

Also, you may have heard me talk about Vitacost recently - if you want to check it out follow THIS LINK for $10 off your order!

Dark Chocolate Nuts & Sea Salt KIND Bars Recipe

Did you guys know there are people on YouTube that are kind of like bloggers, only they talk on video instead of write?

Ok, yes I know I'm way behind the times. But I just recently discovered some great YouTube vloggers (??) and I am kind of excited about it.

One of them shared a recipe for homemade KIND bars that kind of made me jump up and down. We LOVE all manner of granola, nut, or fruit bars in this house and I almost always have a stash of Lara or Kind bars in the pantry.  The problem is, even buying them in bulk gets pricey. My husband travels a lot for work, and he likes to have some to take with him.

When I saw this recipe on YouTube I knew I needed to try it! I found it a little annoying to cook from a video recipe, so I wrote it down and I'm going to share it with you!  The recipe below is the original - I actually used cashews, pecans and almonds instead of walnuts, peanuts and almonds.

One thing - you WILL need a candy thermometer for this, unless you are a seasoned candy expert and know when your syrup will hit the soft ball stage.  If you have no idea what I just said, definitely use a candy thermometer.

Dark Chocolate, Nuts & Sea Salt KIND Bars
Printable Recipe

- 3/4 c. walnuts
- 3/4 c. peanuts
- 2 c. almonds
- 1 c. dark chocolate chips for melting
- 1 tbslp flax meal
- 1/2 c. millet
- 1/2 c. honey
- 1/3 c. Brown Rice Syrup
- 3/4 tsp salt
- 1 tsp vanilla

Directions:

Roast your walnuts, peanuts and almonds for 10 minutes at 350 degrees.

Spray a mixing bowl and a 9x13 inch cookie sheet with a non-stick spray (I used olive oil)  Add your nuts, the millet and flax meal.  Set aside.

On medium high heat, cook honey, brown rice syrup, vanilla and salt. Stir frequently. Heat until 260 degrees, using a candy thermometer.

Once your syrup reaches 260 degrees, you'll want to work quickly. Pour the syrup into the nut mixture and stir to evenly coat.  Then pour into a greased cookie sheet. You can flatten the nut mixture with the bottom of a greased glass or with wax paper. Once you've flattened the nuts out, let cool for 30 minutes.

After cooled, flip your cookie sheet over to release the mixture - it should come out in a big rectangle. Cut into bars.

Melt your dark chocolate chips with a double broiler or in the microwave in 30 second intervals, stirring until smooth.  Dip the underside/bottom of each bar into the chocolate and put on wax paper to cool. After the bottoms of all the bars are dipped in chocolate, use the leftover to drizzle on top of each bar with a spoon.

You can refrigerate or freeze until the chocolate is hard and then wrap each bar individually in wax paper.  

Enjoy!

Cherry + Beet Smoothie

I posted a pic the other day on Facebook of my new favorite (ok, second favorite) smoothie recipe and a ton of you have asked for it - because I hadn't really measured things out, I typed out what I *thought* it would be a few times and then I decided I would pay attention to what I was putting in the blender so I could share the correct amounts with you!

I've been seeing a naturopathic doctor to help me rebalance myself after having a bunch o'babies and to effectively take off (and KEEP off) baby weight - she mentioned how much she loved beets in her smoothies and then rattled off a few other ingredients she puts in there as well. We didn't talk about measurements, so this probably varies from what she does but I've been really enjoying it as an alternative to my ALL TIME favorite smoothie (the Glowing Green Smoothie).

A few things to note - beets have a very earthy flavor and while I don't find it overpowering or unpleasant, it is noticeable.  Because I use raw beet, it is a little fibrous but again, I don't mind it. And if you don't have a high powered blender like a Vitamix, you'll probably want to roast your beets first to make it easier.

And as with any smoothie recipe, you may need to tweak it to make it your own.

Anyway, here it is! Enjoy!


Beet Cherry Smoothie

- 1 c. almond milk
- 1/2 c. filtered water
- 1 beet, peeled and chopped (you can start with half if you aren't sure how you'll like the flavor)
- beet greens/stems from one beet (or, you can throw in a handful of other greens)
- 1 c. frozen cherries, whole
- 3/4 c. blueberries
- 1/2 tsp freshly grated ginger
- 1/2 tsp powdered turmeric
- splash of Organic Pure Pineapple Juice (optional)
- 1 Tblsp Garden of Life Organic Chia Seed (optional)
- 1 scoop unflavored Pure Pea Protein Powder (optional)

Blend until smooth!

gaze

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways." ~Proverbs 4:25-26

Have you ever watched a toddler navigate through something he's really excited about?  We have a loop in our house that Beckett loves to run over and over and over again. He's usually giggling and laughing and - looking behind him as he runs. Most of the time, he's hoping someone is chasing after him.

Yesterday, on the way home from our neighborhood playground we stopped by our friend's house to chat, enjoy the sunshine and let the kids play for a few minutes.  This particular friend of Beckett's has a very cool kid-sized kid-driveable Mustang. Beckett was so excited to have a chance to drive the car, and I couldn't help but notice that as he drove, he kept his eyes fixed backwards, watching the tires as they turned.

In our house, or on the road - one thing is bound to happen when Beckett looks behind him while charging full speed ahead. He's going to hit a wall (or a tree, or a mailbox, or a person) He can't safely navigate where he's going without his gaze fixed securely in front of him.

Sometimes it can be hard to keep your eyes forward - to keep your gaze fixed upon the One who wants so desperately to lead us deeper than we can imagine.  

I love this excerpt from Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton

'It’s easy to spend time in the shallow end of faith. It’s not a real commitment. You can just hop in, stand around in tight circles, and people-watch. You can examine your nails, read, reread, and catch up on all the gossip. You can talk and talk and talk and come to a great many conclusions and decisions and still maintain your hairstyle and even avoid smudging your makeup.

I think the reason we don’t hear from people in the deep end as often is because they’re actually swimming. In the deep end, you have to keep moving. It’s hard to look cool. It’s tiring and scary even, since it’s just you and your head and your heart in the silence of the depths. There’s not much chatting or safety in numbers in the deep end. You have to spend most of your time there alone. And it’s impossible to get any solid footing. You just have to trust that the water will hold you, and you have no other choice but to flail about and gasp for air and get soaking wet, head to toe.'

That. That is what I want. 

I want that kind of faith. The kind of faith where my eyes are fixed forward, where I am too busy kicking and flailing in the deep end to stand on the sidelines admiring my manicure, playing games, staring at the spinning tires or looking behind me to see if anyone is chasing me. 

In church recently, the pastor said, "Make God North on your compass. Pursue Him first." I want to know that no matter what is going on in my rearview mirror, I've got the sunroof open and the music blaring and I am going north.  Heading into the deep end.

Yes. That.

Twenty Fifth

Today is February 25th - a normal day for most of you, but a day that holds significance and sorrow for me.  February 25th was Lilia's due date, and I can't help but wonder what life would have been like if we were celebrating our little girl turn one this week.

I was feeling a little hesitant about whether I should acknowledge this day publicly - it seemed the last time I mentioned Lilia online, it caused a small firestorm of comments that hurt me deeply and had me crying on and off all day.  But the truth is, this is my little space of the world and she is and always will be a part of our family and our story. Read more here, here, and here.

And if there is anything I've learned from the baby loss community, it's that so many women feel as though they can't talk about the child they've lost. If this post helps just one other woman feel ok about continuing to grieve the loss of a pregnancy or child - I'll put myself out there.

*********************************************************

Dear Lilia,

It has been 526 days since I found out you were gone.

Some of those days have been soul-crushingly hard. Some of those days I didn't want to get out of bed and face the world without you growing inside of me.  Some of those days, the very sight of other little girls would bring me to tears. Some of those days I was angry, some of those days I felt like I couldn't breathe. Some of those days I wondered why God had taken you - my daughter - from me without any warning.  Some of those days I felt alone and abandoned by people I thought were my friends.

But some of those days I felt alive again, I felt joy and happiness and peace in my heart.  Some of those days I felt so madly in love with God I wanted to sing His praises as loud as I possibly could.  Some of those days I laughed and I smiled and some of those days I enjoyed coffee and good conversations with friends who weren't afraid to talk about you.  Some of those days I enjoyed the sunshine and the feel of the ocean waves as they lapped against my toes in the warm sand.  Some of those days I enjoyed a new life growing inside of me, your brother Declan.

It has been 526 days since I found out you were gone and while the ache has dulled some, I am still amazed at the sadness I feel when I think of you. I never got a chance to watch you grow or see you take your first steps, but I know with all that is in me that you are walking with Jesus, blonde hair streaming behind you as you laugh. It is painful that I know nothing about you, but it is comforting to know I can spend eternity getting to know you, getting to memorize every perfect feature on your face.

This past year has pulled me closer to and further from God more times than I thought possible. It feels like a constant tug of war between Him and I, but He never stops tugging. He never stops chasing me, and His love never fails. I am reading a book and the author says one of the best things she learned was to embrace the tension of God.  It is too difficult to make sense of it all - too hard to make Him fit into the box of humanness we so often try to force him into. In our limited perspective, the best thing to do is embrace the tension.

And so I find that I am learning to do just that.  To embrace the unexplained - I don't know why you aren't here, but I don't understand a lot of things when it comes to God and that's ok.

I do know this. You are loved. You are remembered. Your story has impacted many women who write to tell me so - and because of that, I can find a little peace in your absence.  Last year, your story caught the attention of some authors who wrote a book on baby loss and they shared with me their story of loss by sending me their book. I am grateful for the impact you have made and that other women who have been through this feel a little comfort knowing they are not alone.

Until I see your beautiful face,

Always your Mommy

beauty from ashes

The night before we got married, a close family member was involved in something tragic.  Todd and I discussed postponing the wedding over it, that's how big a deal it was. And since then - Todd, myself, or someone close to us has waded through some seriously difficult things.  Job loss, unexpected pregnancy, a NICU stay, blended family challenges, addictions, recovery, pregnancy loss, family conflict, death, divorce, financial uncertainty, pregnancy after loss, colic...

You name it, we've lived through it, in just 3 1/2 short years.  Feels like sometimes we have lived through more difficulty than most marriages do in a lifetime.

Sometimes I feel a weird kind of smugness about this.

This blog is all about openness, transparency and honesty right?  So I'm going to be honest about a few things here - sometimes I wear our hardship like some kind of twisted badge of honor.  I hear what other people talk about as being difficult and I think to myself, 'Ha.  Please.  This person has NO idea what hardship really looks like.'

Weird, right?

I've been toying with the idea of writing this blog for awhile now, but have been hesitant.  I hope it comes out on paper the way it does in my head.

After we lost Lilia, I would feel so angry and hurt when people would post negative or complaining statuses about their children on Facebook.  I wanted to scream, "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW FORTUNATE YOU ARE?"  "Don't you know how many women there are who would give their left arm to be going through what you're going through?"

And then, God sent me Declan.

Oh, my sweet Declan.

When I found out I was pregnant with Declan, I just knew that he was going to be my REDEMPTION baby.  After all, we had endured so much already - Declan was going to be the solution.  He was going to be my perfect gift after enduring what I had endured with strength.

That's a really weighty label to put on an infant.  And it's a really weighty responsibility to put on myself.  To expect myself to rise above the very real, very gritty difficulty of being a mother.  It's amazing and beautiful and life altering in a way you can never imagine - but it's also the most challenging thing I have ever, ever done in my life. The reward obviously outweighs the challenge.  Most mothers will tell you that.

I found myself confused when Declan's colic set in.  Wait...what?  Hold up here, God.  I don't think you meant to give me a baby who screams all the time.  We are already going through so much personally - I think perhaps you haven't been listening well enough.

Ha. Talk about arrogance.

With Declan, I have struggled with what my counselor (oh yeah, I have one of those too...) refers to as 'duality'  There are competing values at play, or competing emotions.  The absolute and overwhelming love of being a mother to such a precious gift.  The absolute and overwhelming exhaustion and helplessness of not knowing how to make him just feel better.  See, pregnancy after loss is supposed to be - well - rainbows.  That's why they call it it a rainbow baby.  It's supposed to be hours upon hours of gazing on a sweet, contented little face who is just so happy to be here, y'all.

Only it wasn't.  It's been hard.  It was - for about 11 weeks - hours of gazing at a face contorted in pain and screaming longer than any human being should be able to continue screaming.  And after one particularly difficult stretch where I didn't leave my house for 9 straight days - I thought I might lose it.

Since then we think that we've figured out the problem, and acid reflux medication seems to be helping.

But - I have realized that I have been prideful.  It certainly wasn't intentional.  Who wants to be prideful about enduring trials? Declan has opened my eyes to a weakness I wasn't even aware of.  As if our hardships put me a notch above or something.  As if I had a right to look down on people who were struggling with things that didn't seem to be in the realm of what *I* considered difficult.

Infertility, pregnancy, pregnancy after loss, stillbirth, colic, motherhood, the terrible 2's, the teenage years - these things are ALL difficult.  They are ALL challenging.  In different ways, to be certain, but they are all challenging.  Experiencing one doesn't make you stronger than someone who hasn't experienced it.  It just makes you different.  I now have an experience that allows me to help comfort women who miscarry.  A friend of mine can comfort women who have experienced stillbirth.  Another friend can talk someone down off the ledge during the teenage years because she's been through it.  Another friend can comfort those who want desperately to be parents but can't.

We all have our own challenges.  What is challenging to one is lollipops and unicorns to another.

God shapes and molds us for HIS use.  And sometimes it is painful, sometimes it's oh so very hard.  But everything we experience, everything we rise above can be used for good.  To bring Him honor and glory.

God is stirring a lot of stuff inside of me these days.  He is teaching me and shaping me each and every day to see the world a little more like He does.  Most days I fall painfully short of reflecting Jesus back to those that see me daily, but I am becoming increasingly aware that we all have strength somewhere deep inside of us, experiences that force us to fall down in despair and cry out for the One who hears us and can turn our pain into beauty.

I am grateful that out of sin, pride, grief and despair beauty can be born.

"To appoint to them that mourn in Zion, to give to them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." - Isaiah 61:3