To the Woman who Feels Like an Outsider on Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day weekend...

        You and I are somehow foes again.

My Facebook news feed is already exploding with the pictures that used to drive me insane with jealousy. For 10 years my job as a mother went mostly unrecognized...or at least it wasn't recognized the way I wanted it to be. I wanted a doting husband who would shower me with flowers and breakfast in bed or make reservations for brunch. I wanted someone to tell me to sleep in late and not worry about anything else. I wanted someone to send me off on a girls weekend, or maybe a day at the spa. But single motherhood and I were together for 10 long years.

And then I got married and Mother's Day was much more fun for a few years.

But then, I lost a baby and became familiar with International Bereaved Mother's Day - the Sunday before 'normal' Mother's Day.

A few years later, I sit here with a marriage that is broken and once again feeling acutely aware that there is nothing 'normal' about this Mother's Day. I have been dreading this weekend - and I know there are many more of you out there that feel the same.

You, who are estranged from your own mothers or have lost mothers. You, who desire to be a mother but cannot conceive. You, who are struggling with secondary infertility. You, the mother who has children far from home or who are not speaking to you. You, who have lost babies or children. You, who are hoping to adopt but have children caught up in the bureaucracy of the adoption process. You, who are fulfilling the role of both Mother and Father. You, who long for a family of your own but haven't found someone to be your partner in life. You, with the husband or partner who always forgets to recognize you on this day.

I know there are many who feel the same feelings I feel about tomorrow. Loneliness, sadness, bitterness, regret, anger, disappointment, longing...

My thoughts and prayers are truly with you. I am not just saying that. I will spend this week fervently praying for those of you with broken hearts as you head into tomorrow. I know what a hard obstacle some of these holiday weekends can be for so many of us. I cannot speak to all of the above categories because I haven't experienced many of them. But I can speak to those of us facing Mother's Day alone, with no one to tell us to sleep in and bring us breakfast in bed.

There are articles floating around about how not to be disappointed with what you do or don't receive on Mother's Day. There are articles telling us what Mother's DO want for Mother's Day. Every opinion or thought about how to celebrate Mother's Day right and well for your situation is out there.

I steeled myself for sad feelings to overwhelm me this weekend but I sat out on my back deck this morning and watched my children play in the backyard and I felt at peace.

My beautiful children who trust and love me enough to call me Mommy...the children who depend on me to care for them, love them, provide for them, be a safe place for them...it's really what Mother's Day is all about. What an honor it is to be their Mother. What a privilege to have these amazing little people in my life.

Logan, my eldest - the one who made me a Mommy for the very first time. I am watching you grow into a man. You are my right hand in so many ways. You are always willing to help me around the house or with your younger brothers. You are such a loving sibling who has taken on the role of big brother better than I could have ever imagined. I am so proud of you.

Beckett, my almost 4 year old. You came into this world 9 days later than you were supposed to but you have been such a joy ever since. A calm baby who seemed content to just watch the world around you, you have morphed into a curious preschooler with an appetite for learning that is hard to quench. You have questions about everything. Although you can be stubborn and strong willed, you have a joy that is hard to contain. One Volume Beckett is what I call you - always loud and the most extroverted child I've ever known with THE most infectious cackle laugh to boot. I am so proud of you.

Declan, my toddler. You have tipped me upside down since the day you were born. You have made me question and doubt everything I ever thought I knew about being a parent. You are so bright, so much quicker to pick up things than your older brothers ever were! You learn fast, and you want to do everything just like a big boy. You love music and I have so much fun listening to you sing and watching you dance. Yours has not been an easy ride so far, and I am so proud of you.

Lilia and Harper - my two girls I have not yet met. Lilia, I know I will meet you someday and I think of you often. My first daughter, your name means 'what belongs to me belongs to God' and though you were never born you have left a mark on this family and on my heart that will never be erased.  I am so proud of you. Harper, you are growing inside of me and have been one of my most active babies! It is amazing to feel you moving and getting bigger and I am trying to cherish these moments with you in the midst of the chaos. You will be born into circumstances I am still unsure of, but I know you will be a blessing. I am so proud of you.

While I can't say that I wouldn't love to be able to sleep in tomorrow and have someone shower me with flowers - I CAN say that I know someday, I will be able to sleep in again. Those tiny voices that wake me up with the sunrise will be gone from my home and I will be celebrating Mother's Day with a phone call.

It's easy to feel that your Mother's Day celebration should look like everyone else's, but I have begun to realize that if I expect my life to look like the lives of others I am forever disappointed. My life is my own, it belongs to me and it is a beautiful story being woven together by the Creator of the Universe. It's painful and messy at times, but it's also full of joy and laughter and toddlers and preschoolers and teenage boys.

Tomorrow I will wake up and go about my day like it is any other day. But I will remind myself that my race isn't yet finished. Keeping my gaze focused on eternity, I know my moment of rest and celebration will be glorious and rewarding.

For all of you struggling this Mother's Day I leave you with Philippians 3:13 "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead" We can all find hope in that, right?

anger

Many - if not all of you - know that I was a single mom for 10 years.

For the majority of those 10 years continuing into the last 3, I received little to no financial support from Logan's father.  He owes thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars and no one holds him responsible.

This used to make me really, really angry.  Like punch a hole in the wall (or wishing I could) kind of angry.  The kind of rage and anger that builds up inside and makes you feel like you could be physically violent towards someone.  Seriously.  I'm the least violent person on the planet, but knowing that my son's father didn't feel it necessary to help me out much made me feel VERY angry.

I let this anger fester and build for a long time, honestly.  As every month passed, and nothing changed, that anger grew.  It made me question a lot of people, a lot of things, even God.  It wasn't FAIR.  As a parent with full custody, if I decided to stop investing money for my child's wellbeing - for food, for clothing, for daycare while I worked - DSS would be at my doorstep hauling him off to foster care.  How come his own father wasn't being held to a similar standard?

I wasn't wrong in wanting there to be two parents who cared equally for their child.  In a perfect world, two parents would both contribute equally to the child's well being, financially and otherwise.  The problem came when I let it fester and get to the point where it bubbled under the surface all day, every day.  That anger was always there.  It affected a lot of what I did, what decisions I made, what actions I took.  Although I was extremely careful never, ever to say anything negative in front of or to Logan about the situation, I acted like a child in other areas of my life.  I wasn't doing it intentionally, but in many ways I was seeking revenge. I wanted SOMEONE to pay.

There was a point in my life where I worked a full time job and a part time job.  I would work 8-5 and then head to a bar where I waited tables until about 3am.  I would get home with just enough time to scarf food and fall asleep for 4 hours before getting up and doing it all over again.  I rarely saw my son.  I was barely keeping my head above water.  And while I was struggling, working my butt off to provide the bare necessities, Logan's father was taking vacations to Mexico with his girlfriend.

I am not even kidding, people.  I wish I were.

But that's not the point of this post.

I woke up one morning and realized I had to let it go.

And I know that it isn't this easy for everyone, but I honestly did just that.  I LET IT GO.  I decided right then and there that HIS crappy actions were not going to affect my life negatively for one more second.  Was it fair?  Hell no.  But this was where my life was at, it was the card I'd been handed, and it was time to stop walking around like a big ball of anger at someone who wasn't the least bit affected by my anger.  He didn't know how angry I was, and if he ever started to realize it, he sure didn't care.  So who was the anger affecting?

Just me.

That saying about 'holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die...' - that was true in my life.  I was walking around, this big ball of anger and it was affecting no one but me.

So I let it go.  That was probably 5 years ago.  The only child support I've received since then was one payment from a tax garnishment.  It wasn't a voluntary payment, it was a forced one.  And it was JUST ONCE.  But I'm not angry.  In fact, I still go out of my way to ensure that Logan spends time with his Dad several times a year, sometimes on our dime.

I changed my mentality.  I decided to not expect anything from someone who clearly didn't care to give me anything, even though Logan and I both deserved help.  I decided that *if* I ever saw a check in my mailbox, it would be an added bonus, some sweet relief that month that I wasn't expecting.

Changing my perspective changed my life.  It sounds dramatic, but I'm serious.  I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  I felt happier.  I still had to work hard to provide for my son, but it was easier to do it without the anger hovering above me all the time.

Some might say I've let myself become a doormat in this situation.  And truthfully, I probably have.  Legally and morally, a father SHOULD provide for his child.  But for me to invest the time, energy and money into pursuing it - for me it wasn't worth it.  I am happier now that I'm not wrapped up in the drama of being angry, of wanting justice, of being judgmental.

I let myself hit almost rock bottom in my personal life before I realized how much holding on to the anger was affecting me.  When I said goodbye to that anger, it was like opening up every door and window in a house for the first time.  Fresh air and sunshine flooded in.

That's not to say that life has been smooth sailing since then.  It's not to say that it hasn't been difficult and that at times, I haven't wished for a check to show up every month.  And, just recently I decided it was time to pursue child support again.  But it's not from anger or because I want to seek justice.  I know in my heart probably nothing will change, and I probably won't see any money in my mailbox.

And I'm ok with that.

I learned a lesson when I let go of the anger.  I learned to let God be the judge.  I learned Grace.  I learned that above all, people WILL disappoint you.  They will mistreat you, they will be unfair to you.  At some point, someone or SOMEONES will do this to you.  And I learned how to forgive, how to move forward and how not to let someone else's actions consume me.

I'm a happier person for it.

single

My husband beat me to the punch this morning with his Valentine's Day post on Facebook:

I love having someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with. But today, my heart and prayers go as well to those who are single (and don't want to be), widowed or widowers, divorced, or separated. The culture makes this a tough holiday for you and today I want you to know how much you are loved.

I had a whole blog post formulating in my head about this subject, so I'm kind of mad at him for beating me to it, but ah well.  At least it shows we are on the same page, right?  Plus he usually says things better than I do anyway.

But I did not want this "holiday" to pass by without me acknowledging a group of people very dear to my heart.  Single parents.  And, because I was one not so long ago, single moms.  Regardless of the circumstance that put you where you are, being a single mom is a kick your butt to the moon and back, exhausting and often times thankless job.  In fact, people generally have pretty strong opinions and ideas about who you are, what you're doing wrong, how you're raising your child(ren) and what you should be doing better.

And well meaning married friends try to show solidarity with you by telling you they are doing the "single parent thing" while their husbands are out of town and they just don't know how you do it.

Well, as someone who is now home with children while my husband travels for work, I can say it's just not the same as being a single mom.  Because my husband comes home.  He takes out the garbage.  He brings in the income so that I can stay home with my children.  He runs errands, he does the laundry.  He brings home an income.  He is here when I need to talk through something frustrating or get advice.  He kills spiders.  He brings home an income.

You know what I'm saying.  As a single parent (mom OR dad) you do all of those things.  You're the spider killer, the laundry do-er, the boo boo kisser, the bedtime story reader, the nightmare soother, the bring home the bacon-er, the broken toilet fixer, the garbage taker outer...

And then holidays like Valentine's Day or Mother's Day roll around and it gets you down.  Even when you tell yourself it's just a dumb Hallmark holiday and it doesn't really matter - it will get you down.

So to all the single mamas (and daddies) out there - I get it.  You're loved and appreciated more than you know - not only by the kidlets you work so hard for but by Jesus, who is the lover of your soul.


 

Happy Valentine's Day to all of the single parents out there - and happy Valentine's Day to my husband who does all of our laundry and rolls out the garbage for garbage day.

xoxo

Lucky

I, Miranda, receive you Todd to be my wedded husband. I accept you as

a precious gift from God. I love you with a love only Christ himself could place

within my heart. I promise to give myself to you as Christ gave himself to the

church. I wish to have and to hold you from this day forward, for better for worse,

for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as

we both shall live, according to God’s holy ordinance.

___________

I lived life as a single parent for 10 years before I met my husband.  

I learned to do pretty much everything for myself.  I raised my son alone.  I cooked, I cleaned, I packed his lunches.  I clothed him, I put him to bed, I helped him with his homework.  I took out the garbage, killed bugs, fixed broken appliances, hung pictures on the wall and at times - moved furniture by myself.  

I worked to support him.  At one point I worked a full time 9-5 job, then went to work waiting tables in a bar 3 nights a week.  I would get home at 4am, sleep for a few hours and then get up by 8 to pick up my son from my parents and drop him off at daycare while I went to my "real" job.  

I learned not to rely on anyone else.  I developed a tough exterior - one that didn't need anyone.  I could do it myself, thank you very much.  

This past week I have been a little shocked at how much I need my husband.  For the first time in our entire marriage I think I am realizing that I need him.  I know you are probably thinking, "Miranda, of course you need him - you married him and that's what marriage is about!"  And don't misunderstand me - I love my husband.  He can make me laugh like no one else.  He's the most intelligent person I've ever met, and sometimes it strikes me as funny that he likes to have conversations with little ol' me.  (Seriously, dude is brilliant.  He writes books!) 

But even though I love him and we chose each other to be with for the rest of our lives, I don't think I felt like I "needed" him.  I got married because I wanted to, not because I needed to.  

I dropped him off at the airport this morning as he travels out of town for work - which he does quite often - but this morning felt different.  This morning I felt like a piece of me got out of the car and boarded a plane.  

I couldn't have gotten through the past 2 weeks without him.  I needed him in a way I never realized - and even though we won't be struggling with loss and tragedy every day of our marriage, it has opened my eyes to the kind of relationship we can have.  The kind of relationship we should be working on every day.  One of vulnerability, one of raw honesty, one of sweet and compassionate love.  The past couple of weeks could have very easily brought out the worst in both of us.  Stress and tension have a way of doing that.  It has been amazing to see us come together and be stronger than ever, and I am so proud of his commitment to his family, to the church, to his job and to God.  He loves each one so passionately and fully and I don't think I've admired him more than I have this past week.

I am lucky he chose me.

No, seriously.  You know a single pastor is a hot commodity here in the South!  ;)

Thankful to be reminded of that this week.