But

"Yeah, but..."

This has become kind of a funny little joke around here.  My oldest, Logan, prefaces almost every sentence with the phrase, "yeah but..."

Bless his heart.

I giggle to myself every time I hear it, but the truth is I found myself thinking the other day how many times I do it in my own life.  Ok, maybe I don't exactly say "yeah, but..." out loud but sometimes actions speak louder than words.

We run into problems when we try to be the God of our own life.

"yeah, but.."

I'm as guilty of it as anyone else.  I like to THINK I have turned it all over to God, but honestly, more times than I care to admit I'm whispering to myself..."yeah, but"

When I think about losing Lilia - my brain says, "Listen - God is in control.  He loves you.  He wants the best for you.  This may not make sense now, but it will someday.  He will reveal his plan in due time.  Eternity is bigger than this.   Your pain is temporary, and human..."

But my heart says, "Yeah, but..."  Yeah, but it hurts.  It hurts now.  I'm sad now.  I want a baby in my arms now.  I don't want to be blogging about miscarriage.  I want to be blogging about newborn life, and tiny little dresses and hair bows.  Yeah, but I wanted a daughter.

Or when I pray for a struggle our family is going through.

And my head tells me, "Be patient.  The Lord hears you.  Be persistent.  Persevere.  Don't lose faith.  Keep going"

But my heart says, "Yeah, but.  I've prayed about it 3 times already.  Heck, one time I even cried.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I asked reeeeal nice like.  I don't WANT to wait anymore..."

I think there will always be a balance between choosing God and battling the urge to be God of our own lives. It's something I have to remind myself of more times than I'd care to admit, honestly.

It is good for me to look back on my life, and see where God has provided.  Where he's taken care of me.  It's a cliche, but it's true - hindsight really is 20/20. Maybe He didn't swoop in and save me from a terrible trial, or maybe it didn't work out the way that I wanted to.  But the truth is, I'm not the God of my own life.  And the harder I try to be, the stickier it becomes.

Identifying your "yeah, but..." moments will help you realize where you need to focus on strengthening your relationship with God.  Where are the areas of weakness where you want to grab the reigns and make decisions based on your own desires, wants and feelings?

I'm working on narrowing mine down.

What are yours?