Not You

Beckett is really developing quite the vocabulary and fills our home with non stop chatter these days.

When anyone is talking or asking a question, Beckett is more than happy to respond - even if the question wasn't directed to him.

I have a habit of having full out conversations with Declan - you know what I mean, "Are you having a hard day Declan?  Is your belly hurting you?  Are you tired?" etc etc etc.  I mindlessly talk to him all day long.  Beckett, assuming all conversation must include him, generally will respond.  

And I playfully say "Not you, Beckett!"

It goes a little something like this.

(Declan screaming)

Me: Poor Declan, is your belly hurting you today?
Beckett: Yeah.  It IS Mommy, it IS hurting.
Me: Not you, Beckett!
Beckett: Yeah!

Lest you think I'm the world's worst mother, I assure you I respond with a playful tone.  In fact, I never thought much of it until one day I addressed Declan, Beckett responded and then quickly chimed in to address himself with, "Not you, Beckett!"

I don't know why but this little interaction stabbed me in my mama heart.  I felt AWFUL about him repeating that phrase.  It made me realize just how much those little ears hear and what they take in. What Beckett had been hearing was, "Not you, Beckett!"

Even though these past interactions had been playful and silly, and with absolutely zero ill intent, anger or frustration on my part - the last message in the world I wanted Beckett to internalize was, "Not you, Beckett!" - especially in the wake of a new baby brother.

This Christmas season, I've been particularly grateful for the message of the gospel.  

Tim Keller says:  “The universal religion of humankind is: We develop a good record and give it to God, and then he owes us. The gospel is: God develops a good record and gives it to us, then we owe him. In short, to say a good person, not just Christians, can find God is to say good works are enough. . . . But this apparently inclusive approach is really quite exclusive. It says, ‘The good people are in, and the bad people are out.’ What does this mean for those of us with moral failures? We are excluded. So both approaches are exclusive, but the gospel is the more inclusive exclusivity. It says joyfully, ‘It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been at the gates of hell. You can be welcomed and embraced fully and instantly through Christ.’"

Encouraged and hopeful that I am loved by a Heavenly Father who doesn't say, "Not you"

Merry Christmas, friends.  

May you find joy and peace in Christ this holiday season.  May you rest in the freedom of a Savior who offers you relief from the bondage of sin.    

taking

I'm never one who likes asking for help.

Does anyone, really?

Seriously, I'm pretty bad at it.  After Beckett was born, we had meals set up, and about a week or so into it, I shut that gravy train down.  I just felt so bad having people do all of that for our family.

This season of my life?  Oh, God is using it to humble me.  In a big way.

There is help being offered, and I am taking it.  Dinners?  We had them for a good solid month, four times a week.  Not a night went by that we didn't have a delicious dinner at our ready.  Friend at the store offering to pick something up for me? Sure.  Diapers, please.  Family at Trader Joe's?  Yes - bread and milk, if you don't mind.

I am taking the help at every corner it's being offered.

Do I feel awkward?  Yep.

Do I feel like I'm burdening other people?  You bet.

Am I doing it anyway?  Absolutely.

Why?

Because it takes me until 4:30 some days to get dressed and leave my house.  Because some nights I'm up almost until the sun rises and I'm too tired to worry about dinner or diapers.  Because my children are probably going stir crazy and if you offer to take them out of the house for me, I am going to let you.

And because I know deep down in my soul that God intends for us to live in community.  I preach it - I offer it - I have brought countless dinners to new mamas and offered to pick things up for friends if I was out.  It's easier to give than it is to receive.  But that's not what God wanted for me.  For you.  For all of us.  He wants us to carry each other's burdens.  He wants us to live in the mess and chaos with each other.  He wants us to grieve, to celebrate, to pray, to live, to BE with each other.

The kindness of other people in the last 2 months has brought me to tears several times, with utmost appreciation and gratitude.  With absolute and utter relief.

There is a lot going on right now in our lives - not just new baby stress, but things that could make me feel bitter and angry and resentful.  And I can't promise I don't feel those things - I do - but you guys.  YOU who have brought dinner or diapers or bread and milk or sent messages and gifts and cards and prayers - God. Is. Using. You.

He is using you to show me He is here.  He is using you to show me He knows ME.  He knows my heart, my struggles, my pain, my happiness, my joy.  He is using each of you in different ways and in my angriest or saddest or most overwhelmed of moments, He uses you to soften me.

Friends - always be ready to help.  Friends - always be ready to accept it.  

  

embrace

If I'm being honest, I feel like I'm failing at life right now.

Ok, maybe not in all aspects...but in lots.

I'm experiencing a level of exhaustion that has settled into my bones and I fear if I utter the words, "I'm just so tired" one more time my husband might start to worry I've lost all ability to communicate any other feeling or emotion.  Which, I sort of worry about myself.

Anyway - what this means is...mama's cranky.  And the house is messy.  And the kids are dirty.  And we all stay in pjs more often than not.  And I am surviving on green smoothies and coffee which is about all I have time for these days - so you'd think all my baby weight would be long gone on that kind of diet, but it isn't - which is another post for another day.

Here's what I'm learning - don't EVER think, "I'd never do... I'd never say... I'd never feel..."

Because you're bound to end up doing, saying, feeling things you never thought you would.

Today was another one in a long line of days where I have basically relocated myself to our couch in the living room.  It's where I slept for a few hours the night I went into labor, it's where I camped out for the first 5 weeks of Declan's life while he screamed into the wee hours of the morning and I watched reruns of Will and Grace & Sex and the City bleary eyed and sometimes crying right along with him.  It's where I spend much of my day, holding and nursing this colicky little munchkin of mine who wants to be held and nursed all day and all night long.

Today we made it to the pediatrician, where Declan got his very first shot.  (He was a champ by the way)  I thought this might perhaps make him sleepy and that he would sleep more than his typical 20 min spurts and maybe I could get a few things done.

It didn't turn out that way, of course, and so I found myself feeling very snappy at Beckett, who knows just when I've camped out for another nursing session and takes off to create mischief somewhere in the house (Daddy's books this time...)

After raising my voice one too many times, I took a deep breath and felt this little nudge to just embrace this.

Embrace this season of my chaotic life.  Embrace the toddler who finds joy in pulling books of Daddy's shelf.  Embrace the colicky infant who only wants to be held on my chest.  Embrace the mess, the crumbs, the toys in every nook & cranny of my increasingly dirty and disorganized house.  Embrace my rats nest of a hairstyle, embrace that I haven't had my hair done in over a year, embrace the smear of dirty fingerprints on the mirrors that hang over my love seat.  Embrace that lately we see more television than books.

It's just a season.

Watching my husband send his oldest off to college this year - knowing that my oldest will be getting his driver's permit in TWO YEARS...the proof is right here in my own house that this all goes too fast.  It's gone in an instant and the chaos will be gone along with it.

So I took a deep breath and grabbed the kids for a cookie making session.  It was messy and took longer than it needed to, and even resulted in a temper tantrum over raw cookie dough.

And honestly, at one point Beckett was crying because I'd told him no to the cookie dough and Declan was crying because I wasn't holding him and Logan was crying because (just kidding, Logan wasn't crying...just seeing if you were paying attention still)...I almost threw in the towel.  But when Daddy came down the stairs just a few minutes later, I heard Beckett go running across the floor and excitedly exclaim "Beckett help Mommy make cookies!"

In the chaos and the crazy, I am reminded that these moments really are fleeting, as cliche as it sounds, and even when I feel like I'm absolutely drowning in exhaustion and short on patience I need to embrace it.  I need to embrace my children in every season of life they are in.

And I need to embrace myself for every season *I* am in.  It's ok to cry when I've hit a wall.  It's ok to feel frustrated when I step on yet another toy train.  But it's also ok to decide not to cry & not to be frustrated and bake cookies for dinner instead.

Not only do my kids deserve it, but so do I.  It's ok to cut myself slack.  It's more than ok to soak in every second of my children - the good, the bad and the ugly.  They all create memories that I know I will treasure for years to come.

Cookies for dinner.

Followed by a banana - that's a complete meal right?

Here's the recipe in case you're interested!

Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk Cookies

• 1 cup butter, softened
• 1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 2 large eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3 cups uncooked regular oats
• 1 package chocolate mega morsels

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and line baking sheets with parchment paper.

1. Using an electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat butter and sugars until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla and beat well.
2. In a medium bowl, combine flour, baking soda, and salt. Add oats and stir well to combine.
3. Add to butter mixture and beat on low-speed until mixed in. Gently stir in morsels and pecans.
4. Drop by rounded tablespoons on prepared sheets, 2 inches apart. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes or until brown around the edges. Cool on pan for several minutes before placing cookies on wire rack.

New

Is there anything so satisfying as your first sip of freshly brewed coffee, first thing in the morning?

I drink a green smoothie almost every morning - and though it goes against all health and nutrition 'rules', I have to have a mug of coffee before I have my glass o' vegetables.

This morning, I was extra exuberant about my morning cup o' joe and as soon as my mug was full, I took a huge gulp, not pausing to think about just how hot a freshly brewed cup of coffee is.

I don't know what came over me - generally I let it sit, blow on it a few times, sip slowly to savor.  But this time?  A gulp.  You've been there - that moment when your mouth and tongue are scalding and tears are practically streaming out of your eyes and you have a split second to decide whether to keep going and see your gulp through to the end or spit it back out and hope it saves your poor mouth from feeling funny all day.

Socrates said:

I could've stood there, with my mouth full of burning hot liquid and tears streaming down my face, and waited for it to cool down.  I could've fought the urge to spit it out all over my living room.

I didn't.  (of course)

I spit the coffee back into my cup. And then I threw it out and got a new, freshly brewed cup of coffee...

Sometimes things that seem like they should be good for us can cause us pain, even if we have enjoyed those things a hundred times before.

That cup of hot coffee still had value.  Really, there was nothing wrong with it except the gulp that caused me discomfort and pain.  But, sometimes the best thing you can do is to cut your losses and move on to what's next. Get a new cup.

Change is hard.

Redefining yourself, your direction, your path and destination can feel overwhelming and uncertain.

Don't spend your energy holding on to things that are old, in the past.  Redefine, redirect - let go of fighting the old and instead, build the new.

I love this.

Build the new.  

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness,
and streams in the wasteland."

~Isaiah 43:18-19

six weeks

Declan has been a part of our family for six weeks now.  

There have been precious moments.

There have been anxiety filled moments.

There have been laugh filled moments.

There have been tear filled moments.  (His, and mine)

There have been tender, love filled moments.

There have been tense, short-fuse filled moments.

There have been moments where friends and family have stood in my kitchen, leaving meals and hugs and encouragement.

There have been moments of boy - wrestling, poking, laughing, sweating, yelling, running.

Every day that I look at his face,  I know I was meant to be his mama.  I remember each and every pleading, prayerful word said to my heavenly father, begging for a healthy baby to bring home.

He is mine, and I am his.  And every time his eyes lock with mine and a sweet little smile creeps onto his face, every scream filled minute we have endured seems to melt away and I forget the stress, the anxiety, the pure helplessness I have felt about not being able to make him feel better.  

We're figuring each other out.

This Thanksgiving week, I give thanks for my children.  The crazy, rambunctious boys here in my home and the girl in heaven I never got to know. All of them make me a better person.  

Provision

For a long time I drove a car that had a broken driver's side window.  The power window feature was faulty, and it wouldn't roll all the way up and it wouldn't roll all the way down.  There was a a pretty substantial gap in that window.  My commute to work in those days was about an hour one way, and on the days it poured down rain, I used my left arm to hold up a folded towel at the top of the window to shield myself from getting soaked.

Some days I really, really hated that car.  I hated its faulty window, I hated the fading paint.  I hated that it told the world I was a nobody, a nothing, a person who didn't have it together.  I thought bad thoughts about the car, but mostly I thought bad thoughts about myself.  That car was tangible evidence to the world that I was BROKE.  It felt like a scarlet letter.

L for Loser.

Looking back, I can see how silly it was to give so much power to a car.  A car that got me from point A to point B.  A car that allowed me to commute an hour one way, so that I could keep a job that paid me enough to provide for my son all by myself.  A car that at the very least kept my son dry in the back seat and kept us safe.  It was not a symbol of my status or lack thereof - it was a symbol of provision.  God's provision to me, and in turn, my provision to my son.

Ten years as a single mom taught me a lot about relying on God for our 'daily bread'.  I'd actually gotten really good about shelving the stress and anxiety that come from being the sole provider.

I trusted God to provide, and He did.  There was never extra, never a surplus, and it was never easy - things were tight, things were hard and as my car story proves, my life was hardly glamorous.

If there is one thing the last year or so of life has taught me, it's that things can change in the blink of an eye.

Death.

Life.

Love.

Loss.

Happiness.

Pain.

It swirls in and out of each chapter of our story, and some days it seems there is nothing we can do except ride the wave and try with all our might not be carried out to sea.

This season of our lives has taught me about grace, about forgiveness, about love, about trust, about compassion, strength, loyalty, friendship, anger, disappointment, fear, reliance, happiness & sadness.

It has taught me that God's provision rarely comes in the form of a fully loaded, brand new $35k vehicle with working power windows.  In fact, I have found that His provision is more like the car that you aren't entirely sure will get you from point A to point B because it doesn't have good shocks or struts, the power windows don't work and you might as well forget about power steering.

It's a rough ride.  It's downright terrifying at times.

But somehow, despite broken windows and sketchy brakes, God does get you from point A to point B.  And sometimes you aren't sure how you got there because your teeth were clenched and your knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so hard and you were sure that you weren't going to arrive in one piece.  Sometimes you arrive soaking wet because you had a faulty window that allowed sheets of cold, pouring rain to pelt you along the way.

But.

God does provide.  It's probably nothing like you were expecting or even wanting and it may end up altering the course of your life forever...

...but His plan is good.  He is good. 

Facing uncertain circumstances with 5 kids, the youngest just 4 weeks old is definitely a lot different than doing so as a single mom of 1.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping a big ol brand new plush Cadillac Escalade could be our vehicle of choice on this journey - but I know deep down a 15 year old two door Honda will get us there, even if we acutely feel each bump along the way.  

By the way, eventually some really generous people at my church stepped in and got my car window fixed for me. 

#operationredcup

No, this isn't a secret mission from the latest episode of Scandal.

Let me tell you about my day yesterday.

Actually, let me show you.  This pretty much sums up my entire day.

One cranky newborn.

One toddler cutting his molars and under the weather.

One very messy, chaotic, out of control house.

One very overwhelmed mommy.

I was pretty crabby yesterday.  I'm not going to lie.  So tonight, when my friend sent me a link to this fun little pay it forward game circulating through Instagram called Operation Redcup, I knew I had to join in.  (#operationredcup)  I needed the boost in my mood that comes from paying it forward!

Someone started this by loading their Starbucks card and posting the card number to Instagram with encouragement for people to have a cup of coffee, on her.  And then a few other people jumped on board with this fun idea - and then strangers started reloading her card so that even MORE people could have free cups of coffee...do you see where I'm going with this?  It's like a big giant pay it forward movement with the Starbucks Red Cup...which, as we all know, kicks off the start to one of the best times of year.

So, to combat my crabby mood from yesterday - tonight I decided I would do the same thing.  I'm posting my Starbucks card on Instagram & here on the blog in the hopes that a few people will grab themselves a free cup of coffee and that someone will pay it forward by reloading it, which you have to do from your computer:

https://www.starbucks.com/card/reload/one-time

And maybe I can convince one or two of you to join in and do it too!  Just show the barista this picture on your phone, or give them the card number.  

It's the perfect time of year to pay it forward.  A free Starbucks drink in the signature red cup will make someone's day!

Do it!

Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you.  ~ Deuteronomy 16:17 

Looks like someone used the entire card in one purchase.  Kinda bummed about the dishonesty BUT it's a chance for someone to reload it...who'll take me up on it?